Renewed (Lord of the Rings) Revisited: Now With Commentary
by AlexAmericus
Summary: Thanks to Borys68 for requesting this. This story is from QuoteV by that title in case anyone is wondering. Due to QuoteV preventing copy-paste I had to type out the whole thing. This story has not been updated in five months, so I have no idea if they're going to continue it or not. This commentary will be listed as complete until further notice. Rated 'T' for my mouth, as always.
1. Introduction

I don't know how the hell I'm getting these so quickly.

Hey guys, your friendly Ravenclaw is back...literally about twelve hours later.

No seriously, I got a message from Borys68 about a bad fanfiction on QuoteV. I got through 4 1/2 chapters before saying to myself: "I must commentate this."

Unfortunately, this commentary is going to take an ass-load of time because QuoteV, like FFNet, won't simply let you copy-paste due to story-stealing. So I have to type out the _whole goddamn thing_. The things I do for you guys. Luckily the chapters are short, and I can put in my commentary as I go along, all while watching The Incredible Dr. Pol on NatGeo Wild.

Something tells me that combination is not going to end well, but I don't give a shit.

Now, the spiel. If you aren't new to my commentaries you can skip this.

1) My commentary will be in **[bold brackets]** because I'm obnoxious.

2) This work is rated "T" for a goddamn reason. If you are under the age of 13, close the Internet window and go outside.

3) There is no 3 because I'm lazy.

Thank you **Borys68** for the recommendation - and make sure you little minions check out their stuff because I believe in promoting authors.

Make sure you check out my other stuff as well for more laughs. I've already done a 'legolas by laura' commentary and a 'My Immortal' commentary.

Make sure you also review suggestions for other bad fanfictions you guys think I should spoof as well as any comments you may have, as that really helps me out. :D

**BIG DISCLAIMER before I kill your brain cells:** None of the references I make belong to me unless specifically said in the footnotes. Any reference you recognize is just something I pulled out the depths of my demented brain.

**Your cast:**

-The Ravenclaw Alex

-My faithful PC Sub-Zero

-The idiot parakeet behind me

**The fanfiction:**

Title: Renewed (The Lord of the Rings)

Authors: LJH and Phoenix on QuoteV

Suggested by: Borys68


	2. Preface

History of the Orcs and Sarage **[Oh goody, a history lesson of our inevitable Mary Sue.]**

The first dark lord, Morgoth, captured elves, and tortured them. **[Didn't we learn this from Saruman?]** Eventually they were bent to his will and it bred the hideous race of the orc. They were bound to the service of Morgoth, **[No fucking shit.]** and later, to the service of the dark lord Sauron.

Sarage was born in the depths of Morder, as an orc. **[Surprised? No? Neither am I.]** She was raised with the ways of the orc, and educated with their history. **[I hear Mordor has an excellent school district.]** But she wasn't like the other orcs, **[Of course not, then I wouldn't be spoofing this fiction.] **and didn't think that their ways were right. She didn't obsess with blood. She hated battle, and only used it when necessary. **[She keeps typing this as if inanimate things and concepts are actually breathing things.]**

Sarage always thought of what it would be like if Morgoth hadn't taken the elves. If they'd never been tortured, she'd be an elf herself. **[As I said before in the 'My Immortal' commentary; if you mess with the timeline - you cease to exist.]**

When Sarage had reached the mere age of 14, she was taken into a female "prison" where she was forced to breed unknowingly. **[Apparently Mordor has an ample supply of chloroform.]** She soon had more children than she could count. **[I guess you can't count very high.] **The other females just shrugged this off, thinking is was fine, as stupid as they were. But in Sarage's eyes, it was completely unfair.

Prologue **[Finally we get a bad fanfiction writer that knows the correct way to spell 'prologue.']**

Sarage couldn't take this. Not again. She was pregnant with ANOTHER child. She'd already had like 253 (yes, she'd counted). **[Okay 1) Paradox. You just said she had so many she couldn't count them all. And 2) 253 children at the age of 14 is impossible for any life form unless you're a fish, insect, or bacteria.] **The female orcs were always forced to breed for Sauron's army. And now, yet another Orc was on the way, ready to force her to do what she didn't want again. **[That sentence could've been so much shorter if she just said 'rape.']** She didn't want to put another evil child into Mordor. **[You obviously didn't think about this with the 253 kiddies you already had.]** It would be bad for her. Because all her children hated everything. She took a look around her cell. A male Orc came in, fully armed, and sneering.

"Be ready to bear another child." It cackled, ready to knock her out and follow Saurons orders to have her breed with him. (I know, it's disgusting.) **[This sounds more like a human trafficking business.]** A wave of anger came over her. **[As opposed to all the other times.]** She was no ones toy. Not anymore. **[And yet, you didn't seem to mind the last 253 times...I smell a conspiracy.]** She dodged the orcs blow and grabbed its sword just as she'd been taught. She killed the orc. **[Beware, fellas, there be a mutiny.]**

Sarage looked at the sword. It was cruel looking, but it would have to do for now.

Sarage fought her way through the prison, as male orcs all tried to knock her unconscious. She tore through Mordor, killing everything that crossed her path. **[Nope, she's dead now. No way she could've done that.]** Luckily the gate had opened. **[Nope.]** She ran through. **[Nope.]** She was free. **[And dead. She should be dead. One does not simply escape Mordor.]** But she reminded herself that she was an Orc. and people weren't going to take that fact lightly.

**Author's Rambling:**

As I said in the introduction; the commentary is in real time. As I'm typing it out on MWord I'm adding my comments as I go. So there is definitely going to be more bolded sentences.

Make sure you review suggestions and comment on the atrocity.


	3. 1 -- I kid you not, that's all they say

1

Sarage stopped at a river, her breathing hard. She'd been running for hours. But she knew if she went on any further as exposed as she was, she'd be recognised as an orc. **[No fucking shitballs.]** She could add that to the list of 97 things she hated about being an orc.** [I would like to read that list, as it'll all be bullshit.]**

Sarage came accross a feild of cotton trees, and a river **[You already said she was at a river. Redundant.]** She knew how to weave. **[Lolwut?]** She had been forced to make clothes for the orcs in Mordor. **[All they wear is armor and strips of leather, no fabric.]** Soon, She had made a roughly hewn white dress and traveling cloak. **[She obviously doesn't know how much cotton it takes to make something like that.]** They weren't the best, but they'd have to do. She washed off the orc blood from her already mutilated skin, and washed her hair. **[A total of fifteen strands.]** She smiled. She'd never be able to do something like this is Mordor.

She took off her dingy lioncloth, and replaced it with the dress and cloaked her face with the cloak. No one would recognize her as an orc if she was walking past. **[They must all be blind then.]** She took the sword and hid it in the cloak. Finally, she was ready to move on.

Sarage had no idea where to go. She looked at her bloodstained map. **[Where in the blue hell did she get a map?]** She definitely couldn't go anywhere with a population. **[Every square nanometer of the entire world has a population. Did you ever consider bacteria and viruses?]** She decided to go settle in the misty mountains, near Rivendell. With luck, someone might be able to find her, and understand she didn't want to be an orc. **[A fruitless effort, they'd kill you before you got the chance to speak.]**

While she travelled, she remembered one thing. She was pregnant **[Wait...since when?] **and she didn't know what to do. Even though at the age of 21 **[I thought she was 14? I don't even know anymore.]** she had had many kids, she'd never raised them on her own. **[Well doesn't that just throw a monkey wrench in your plans?]** They were always taken away to grow up as ruthless killing machines or child bearers like her. Then again, maybe this was an opportunity. Maybe she could raise it to follow in her footsteps. **[Good fucking luck.]**

She pushed her thoughts away. Everyday back at her prison, the male orcs had tried to rape her. **[OH MY - there's so much back story to this goddamn fanfiction it might as well be an autobiography!]** Most of the time they were successful. This time she was finished with it. She just had to go through one last child. She would know what to do with it when the time came. **[And that time starts...now.]**

**Author's Rambling:**

Two chapters of unwanted back story...aaauuuggghhh.


	4. 2

2

After weeks, and walking disquised as a traveller, Sarage reached her destination. **[What exactly **_**was**_** her destination?]** She assembled some of the boulders to make a small hut. **[Are you She-Hulk?]** She thought after a while she'd make something more permanent, but little did she know, she wouldn't be staying there for very long.

Sarage stayed in her temporary home for a few weeks. **[Pretty long time if you ask me.]** During that time was kept looking at her grey skinned reflection in the river, wishing that she could look fairer. **[**_***When will my reflection show...who I am...inside?***_**] **She caught fish and cooked them over the fire, wishing she could find an edible plant instead. **[Everything you put in your mouth is edible - it's just a matter if it can kill you or not.]**

Boromir of Gondor was passing into Rivendell when he saw the small rock formation. He thought this was strange, and went to investigate. **[This is beginning to sound like a bad horror movie.]** Unfortunately, Sarage was inside her home at the time.

When Boromir first saw the orc, he drew his sword. **[A reasonable response.]** He saw the strange arrangement of clothing and stopped for a momment, taking it in. **[An unreasonable response.]** Then he went to kill her. **[A very reasonable response.]**

Sarage was quivering in fear. She didn't know what to do. **[You have a sword. How about using that? What a concept.]** For the thousandth time, she wished she was anything but an orc. The orc side of her caused an argument.

_'Kill him!'_ One part of her thought. The other was against this. _'But he is just attacking me because I'm an orc!' 'Do you WANT to die, wimp?' 'It would put me out of my misery if I die.' 'Too bad, because I don't want to die. Kill him!'_ **[What the fuck? Is she schizophrenic now?]**

"NO!" Sarage shouted. She started crying. **[Wimp.]** This made Boromir was so confused. **[I'd be confused too if I stopped suddenly while trying to kill an orc.]** This was an orc. Orcs don't cry.

Sarage suddenly felt excruciating pain, thousand of years of torture and torment reversing in a few momments. **[I thought she was only 14...I mean 21...I mean - UGH!]** She screamed louder and longer than anyone had ever done, **[All dogs in the universe are whining now.]** and the echos of the scream stayed there until the world ended. **[Her sonic scream caused the rapture? Holy shit.]** There was a blinding flash of light, and Boromir opened his eyes. An orc wasn't before him now, but the fairest elf anyone had ever laid eyes on. **[Oh just great.]** Sarage puzzled over Boromirs staring, and looked to her hand, where she doubled over in shock.

**Author's Rambling:**

Another chapter down! I am on a roll today!

Now our Mary Sue has transformed into an Elf *LE GASP*.

I'm honestly thinking about putting the comments on this story so far at the end of this commentary. Some of them are horrendous in themselves.

As always, send in your suggestions and comment on the commentary so far. It really helps me out.


	5. Authors Note

Authors note

**[Yes, I am commentating this. No chapter is safe from my wrath.]**

A/N

Hi everyone! **[Goodbye :)]** I've got the basic storyline down here, **[It's a pretty shitty one if I do say so myself.]** and now that the first couple chapters are out I would like to make it known that I am looking for a co-author **[Oh goody, **_**more**_** insane dribble from bad writers.]** for this story so that I can work a little harder on my big giant crossover story. **[Now I know what I'm going to commentate next. :)] **Thank you! **[You're not welcome.]**

-SilverQueen


	6. 3

3

A/N HEY! **[Hey, hey you. Yeah you, with the face. Shut the fuck up.]** So SilverQueen will be gone for a week and we have an idea for this chapter and we may have some surprises for everyone. **[I hate surprises.]**

-Phoebe Teh Killer **[Oh motherfuck, not one of **_**those**_** people.]**

"Who are you?" **[She's a witch! Burn her!]** Boromir asked. Sarage looked around very confused about what just happened. "I said who are y-" She cut him off when she said, "Sara." **[Did she forget her own name?]** Boromir then proceeded to ask more questions about what an Orc is doing this far from Mordor, **[Take a wild guess.]** If she was an Orc or an Elf, **[Goddammit Boromir, she's a witch obviously.]** how she made her hut, **[With She-Hulk powers.]** if she was okay, **[Oh for fuck's sake.]** and the one she didn't like, to give him one reason why not to kill her. **[I like that one.]**

"I have many reasons to not be in Mordor, I do not know the answer to that, I built it, I am okay, and I am pregnant." **[Try saying that all in one breath.]**When Boromir heard this he put his sword back. **[Because even though you were an orc not five minutes ago I still have standards when it comes to pregnant females.]** "How long have yu been pregnant?" He asked his curiosity eating him alive now. **[On nom nom.]** "I don't know. I think I was a month when I left and I took oh who knows how many months to get here." **[Blah blah blah blah blah blah BLAH.]**

She said before walking out and crying by the river. **[Hormones are a bitch, aren't they?]** Boromir thought fora moment about what she said and then thought of her child. "How do you know you still have the child?" **[Because of this big ol' lump protruding from her gut, that's how!]** He asked. She looked at him. What did happen to the child? she asked. Would it be an Orc? Or would it be half Orc half Elf? **[I'm pretty sure the XY chromosome wouldn't change even if the XX chromosome somehow impossibly changed.]**

"I have not a clue." She said looking back at the water. "Come we can go to Rivendell so we can see what happened to your child." He said giving her a hand to get her up. "Ok." They got on Boromir's horse and traveled to Rivendell but Sarage fell asleep **[How in the fuck do you fall asleep on a horse's back while it's galloping cross country?]** on the way and she could not see the beauty of the elvish city. **[What a goddamn shame. Boo hoo, we're all so sad for you.]**

She awoke in a healing room just an hour after they checked to make sure she was okay. Boromir was standing outside the door talking with Elrond about how when he first saw her she was an Orc and now she is a fair Elf and even Elrond didn't know what happened. **[Christ on fire that was a long sentence.]** When Elrond went in Sarage was quite worried he would kill her but that never did happen he just said that her child was...**[Alive. There you go I just gave you a sneak peak.]**

**Author's Rambling:**

Not much to say except just me reminding all you minions to send suggestions and comments as it helps me out. :)


	7. 4

4

...Fine.

Sara let a sigh of relief, but this was only temporary.

"There's also something else I need to know." Elrond said gravely.

"Yes?"

Elrond of course, didn't give her a straight answer right away. **[Are elves like centaurs? You can never get an answer from them?]**

"Lady Sara, would you please explain your life in Mordor." He asked.

_'Don't tell him anything'_The Orc side of her head said in her head **[Redundantcy is redundant.]** _'No!'_ She said back to it.

So a nervous Sara closed her eyes before beginning. **[Get ready mates, a massive block of unnecessary back story text is heading our way.]**

"I was born in Mordor, and raised in their ways. Unfortunately for them I thought their ways were totally barbaric. **[What do you know, a free-thinking Orc...how cliché.][Alt. Hermione: "That totally barbaric!" Ron: "That's Wizard Chess."]** They tried to get me to fear the authorities, but I just taught myself how to use a sword. **[Did you teach yourself, or have a mentor, you told us both. Pick a damn side and stick to it.]** On top of that, things I learned how to weave cloths and forge armor. When I reached the age fourteen I was taken captive and placed in a breeding shelter, more like a prison than anything else." **[So, your imprisonment was similar to a puppy mill?]** I shudder. "Others would come in the night and" I brace myself. "Rape me." I nod at Elrond's pity stricken face. "Every single child I've had has been taken from me and brainwashed like all the others. "About a month after I turned twenty one, I found out I was pregnant again. Another Orc came in, **[Wait, wait, wait - you just told Elrond that you knew you were pregnant before the Orc came in on your final day in Mordor, but earlier you told us that you didn't know that you were pregnant and didn't even know the condition of the fetus when you were on your own. I just realized that I'm trying to make sense of something that doesn't make any sense in the first place.]** forgetting to close the door behind him. So I took one of the swords I'd just made, **[Again, I thought you stole a sword from the Orc, not one you just made - UGH!]** and fought my way out of Mordor."

She didn't tell him anything else, especially since there are parts that have happened since then that even she didn't understand. **[Elrond's been around for more than three thousand years, I think you can try him.]**

"Lady Sara, since you have inside information about Mordor, I'm going to ask you to join the council for discussion." **[Where this said information will be useless at the Council because she gets no speaking time.]** Elrond says. She nods.

Sara's POV (A/N I'm kind of getting annoyed with third person POV) **[That's just because you want to live through your horrible character even more than you are...and also because you're not a good writer.]**

Elrond leaves the room, and I walk into the bathroom, a light airy room, where a silvery grey gown is laid out for me. I put it on and look into the mirror, her shock doubling. **[Is she getting hit with a taser or sitting in an electric chair or something?]**

I don't even recognize myself. I have long, wavy, golden hair that goes almost to my elbows, and light green eyes. My skin is normal, pale, and gives off a slight glow. Last time I checked, I didn't even know what color my hair was, and my eyes were red and almost always bloodshot. **[Ah, the infamous Mary Sue description, where our Mary Sue goes from an ugly Orc to a...sorry my brain just restarted...I don't remember what I was going to say.]**

_'You know this is too good to be true. It's not going to last.'_ The Orc side of me says. **[Man I hope it doesn't last, that'd be one plot twist, not to mention a slap to the face.]**

_'Shut up.'_ I tell it. **[This Sue is not mentally stable. But then again, are any of them?]**

_'You know I'm right.'_ It replies.

I just grind my teeth and walk down to the council, although I kind of get lost. **[How do you 'kind of' get lost?]** After finding yet another dead end, I turn sharply and walk down another corridor. An elf walks out of his room at that precise moment. **[How convenient.]**

"Lost?" He asks, smiling slightly.

"Yes." I reply. I admit that I like him, but I was an Orc, and I am pregnant. I can't exactly have crushes right now. **[Estrogen's a bitch ain't it?]**

_'Not to mention it's not going to last'_

_'Shut up, you!'_

"Where to?" He asks.

"I'm trying to find where Elrond said the Council would be held." I say.

"Why is a woman going to the Council?" He asks. I think about telling him about my being an Orc.

Instead I say "I have inside information on Mordor."

"Oh." He replies, still looking thoughtful. He suddenly makes an alarmed face. "Oh, I'm sorry, I've neglected to introduce myself. I'm Prince Legolas of Mirkwood." He says **[I think the inside information about Mordor would be a lot more interesting than giving your name.]**

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Prince Legolas. **[Never once was Legolas called 'prince' in the books or movies...never.]** My name is...Sara." I say.

"Well let's get going, the council's starting in ten minutes." Legolas says.

"Okay..." I say nervously.

We finally arrive at a sort of patio where the council is going to be held. It looks like we're the last there. I blush for some reason, and cross the patio, taking a seat next to a man with a big grey beard.

"Strangers from distant lands and friends of old. You've been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor." Elrond starts. "Middle earth stands upon the brink of destruction; none can escape it. You will unite or you will fall." Elrond gaze turns to me, making me fidget uncomfortably in my seat. "Each race is bound to this fate by one doom. Bring forth the ring, Frodo." **[Mmm...pork fried rice. Oh sorry, I'm eating dinner right now.]**

Frodo, a small man **[Hobbit.]** walks up to the pillar, where he sets a gold ring I immediately recognize as the ring of power. I grimace.

_"Take it!"_ The orc side of me is screaming.

_'No!'_

_'TAKE IT!'_

_'NO!'_

_'TAKE IT!'_

"STOP!" I scream. I realize I just said it out loud and blush as everyone looks at me. **[I really need to change those lightbulbs.]**

"Sorry." **[Oh, did you say something? I was too busy commenting on my lights and watching Ghost Adventures.]** I mumble. Then Boromir stands up.

"In a dream." Boromir says. "I saw the eastern sky go dark, and the western helm lightening it. A voice was crying: Doom is near at hand, Isildurs bane is found."

Boromir reaches for the ring, and I can tell by everyone's expressions that something bad is about to happen.

Then the man with the grey beard stands up and starts saying things in a language I'd hoped to never hear again.

"Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul."

The thunder clears away, and I open my eyes, realizing that I'd hidden behind my chair. **[Coward.]**

"No one has yet dared to utter the words of that tongue here in imladris." Elrond says disapprovingly.

"I beg your pardon, Master Elrond." The man says. "For the black speech of Mordor may yet be heard in every corner of the west." Boromir stands up again.

"But it is a gift, a gift to the foes of Mordor." He says. "Why not use this ring? **[Because Sauron's wedding ring is something that is not to be messed with.]** Long has my father, the steward of Gondor kept the forces of Mordor at bay! By the blood of our people are your lands kept safe. **[Someone's got a nationalistic behavior about him.] **Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy. Let us use it against him!

"You cannot wield it!" a man that I hadn't notice before points out. "None of us can! The one ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master!"

"Yes!" I find myself saying. "If any of us try to wield it, it would drive us mad!" **[A simple Orc who has only been in the outside world for only a month couldn't have known that.]**

"And what would a Ranger know of this matter?" **[A lot actually, Ranger's have been around the block.]**

Legolas stands up. "This is no mere ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance."

"Aragorn." Boromir says. "This is Isildur's heir." The realization hits me.

_'Kill him!'_

_'No!'_

_'KILL HIM'_

_'I refuse'_

I pull myself out of my head just in time to hear Legolas say "And heir to the throne of Gondor."

Aragorn says something to Legolas that I don't understand (probably elvish: I have a lot to learn) **[No shit Sherlock.]**

"Gondor has no king." Boromir says. "Gondor needs no king." Then he turns to me. "Gondor doesn't need any orcs either" I feel myself turn white. **[How the fuck do you **_**feel**_** yourself paling?] **He'd said the magic words.

The elves look at me, panic stricken, the dwarves with their axes raised threateningly.

"Do not hurt Lady Sara." Elrond says. "She has inside information on the plans of Sauron."

"Sorry, not much." **[I swear, I read that sentence so many times and I don't have any idea what the purpose is.]** I say glumly. I can feel everyone's glares on me.

"Aragorn is right." The man with the grey beard says. **[Goddammit he has a name.]** "We cannot use it."

"You have only one choice." Elrond says.

_'Oh no...'_ I think. Is he really planning to do that? It's dangerous. And a really big gamble. **[That's what danger implies, doofus.]**

The ring must be destroyed." He continues. Oh no no no no no! It could kill someone. **[The ring can't kill anyone. It can drive people mad no problem though.]**

_'It doesn't matter. They'd be dead, and Sauron would have the ring, wouldn't they?'_ The orc side of me thinks.

_'When will you go away?'_ **[That's not how schizophrenia works.]**

"What are we waiting for?" A dwarf says. Before any of us can object, he has thrown his axe upon the ring. The axe blasts into pieces.

"The ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Gloin," Elrond continues. ",By anycraft that we here possess. The ring was made in the fires of mount doom. Only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into Mordor and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came. One of you." Elrond says, peering around at us. "Must do this." **[Goddamn I should write copies of scripts for a living.]**

You can hear the pressure **[Someone failed science class. You can't **_**hear**_** pressure.]** of silence for a moment as Elrond's work sink in. My mind is made up immediately. Not me.

Boromir breaks the heavy silence. "One does not simply walk into Mordor. **[Ah the meme. I love this meme.]** It's black gates are guarded by more than just orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep. The great eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland riddles with fire, ash and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume." I shiver. I know this. I lived there for practically my whole life. **[Nnnderrrrrrr...*dribble*]** "Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly." **[I knew a cat named Folly.]**

Legolas stands up, fuming. "Have you heard nothing lord Elrond has said? The ring must be destroyed!"

"And I suppose you think you're the one to do it!" Gimli says.

A full fledge fight breaks out. I cower, because some of the people are throwing insults at me. **[Oh boo hoo, woe is you.]**

"You are an Orc. You won't take the ring to Mordor!" A dwarf shouts at me.

This, thankfully I was prepared for. "I wasn't planning to. I don't want to see the inside of Mordor again, thank you very much, and I have no idea if I'm an orc or not." **[Jesus Christ on fire that is some identity crisis matched with amnesia.]** Then we all hear a small voice. It's the Halfling.

"I will take it. I will take the ring to Mordor." He says. Fear crosses his face. "Though, I do not know the way."

"I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins." The wizard says. "As long as it is yours to bear."

Aragorn stands up. "On my life or death, if I can protect you, I will." He crosses to Frodo and kneels. "You have my sword." **[I loved this scene in the movies. Shame is has to be featured in this fanfiction.]**

"And you have my bow." Legolas says.

"And my axe." Gimli says.

Boromir steps forward. "You carry the face **[FATE. IT'S FATE!]** of a little one. If this is indeed the will of the council, then Gondor will see it done."

I make up my mind in asplit second and step forward. "If Mordor will be destroyed in the end, and no one will have to face that horrible place, I will go." **[Why the sudden change of heart, hm?]** I say. Immediately, people start to protest.

"Silence!" Elrond says. "Lady Sara has a vast amount of information from her own experience inside Mordor!" I smile thankfully at Elrond before crossing over to join the others. **[Good luck trying to get Frodo to trust you.]**

A loud noise sounds in the bushes and another Halfling comes out. He must have been hiding.

"Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me." He says, crossing his arms.

"Now it's near impossible to be able to separate you, even when he is summoned to a secret council or not." Elrond says, clearly looking amused.

"We're coming too!" Another Halfling yells, and two short little men **[Hobbits]** run towards us. I smile at their protectiveness of their friend. "You'll have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop it!"

"Anyways, you need people of intelligence on this sort of...Quest." The other says.

"I guess that rules you out Pip." The first says. I let out a short giggle.

"Ten companions." **[Tenth Walker cliché. *Ding*]** Elrond says. "So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring."

Everyone nods, and starts to leave.

"Lady Sara, please stay here, I have something I wish to speak to you about." **[DUN DUN DUN.]** Elrond says as I make for the door. **[What door?]**

"What?" I ask regretfully, knowing by the look on his face that this can't be good..

"The father of your child isn't an Orc. **[Are you fucking kidding me right now?]** It's the Witch King of Angmar, the lord of the Nazgul." **[This is turning into an episode of the Maury Show.]**

I can feel my eyes go as wide as saucers. I say the only thing that makes sense to say. **[Goddamn it I hate these sentences, they hurt to type.]** "WHAT?!"

A/n Many of you have noticed my new Co-Author, considering the killer cliffhanger she left off with. Phoebe Teh Killer! **[She sucks.]**

-SilverQueen


	8. 5

5

Sauron's P.O.V.

I watched my Orcs that where going to Rohan in two weeks. My mouth came up to me. "My master I bid thee news." **[Oh, that's what she meant...that took a while.]** it said. "Yes..." I asked looking down at him with my flaming eye. "A female orc is missing. She goes by the name of Sarage." it said **[I doubt he would care when he has legions of over **_**ten thousand.**_**]** It left after it had told me what happened and how she killed a bunch of Orcs getting out of Mordor. I searched all the land and I couldn't find her.

Sara's P.O.V. **[Get ready guys, there's a MASSIVE block of text coming our way. Brace yourselves!]**

I was getting ready for the journey and for some reason I felt like someone was starring at me. I was wearing this. **["This" was actually a link, and of course FFNet doesn't allow links. But I'll describe it to you: It's modern day clothing.] **When I was finished packing there was a knock on my door. I opened it and saw Legolas. "Hi." I said. "I wanted to say I am sorry for the way the Elves I traveled with treated you when we found out you are an Orc." He said. I looked into his eyes and saw nothing but sadness and wonder. **[Oh geez.]** "It's okay. Besides they didn't act like the dwarves." **[That's racist.]** I said trying to joke but he didn't crack a smile. "I do have a question for you." He said. "Why did Lord Elrond want to speak to you after the Council?" **[Nosy little shit.]** He asked. I looked at him. I felt like if I lied I would regret it. _'He'll never like a pregnant orc like you!'_** [I'm with the Orc on this one, hit the nail on the head.]** My orc side screamed. "Well...I found out in Mordor that I was pregnant with another child but I always thought the father was an orc but...Lord Elrond said that the father was the Witch King of Angmar." **[I'm still wondering how in the holy motherfuck is that even possible.] **I said. I was looking at the ground when I felt Legolas' soft hand under my chin as he pushed my head up gently and looked into my eyes. **[He's not going to do what I think he's going to do right? **_**Right?**_**] **"You are brave escaping Mordor with no one by your side." He said looking me right in the eye. He started leaning in as I did. **[No...**_**no**_**.] **Our lips touched and I felt fireworks. **[That's it, I quit.]** We pulled away once we needed air and I looked into his eyes. _'You know he doesn't love you!'_ My orc side said. _'Shut up.'_ I said back. _'Nope he is only doing this so that you don't feel bad!'_ It said to me. **[And how I wish it were true.]** _'SHUT UP!' _I internally screamed at it. "No talking about what just happened?" **[Even Legolas regrets his decisions right now.]** He asked. "Yep." I said looking up into his eyes. "I also have something to give you." He said. I did notice that he had one hand behind his back the whole time. **[Did he now?]** He pulled out a bow. **["Bow" was also a link, but I'll spare you the trouble. It was the same exact bow and arrows that Katniss Everdeen used in **_**The Hunger Games**_** movie.]** I looked at the bow then to Legolas. "I don't even know how to shoot." **[How convenient.]** I said. "I'll teach you." He said handing me the bow. An elf walked in at that moment. "The Fellowship is getting ready to leave." He said. **[Was that Figwit or Lindir by any chance?]** After he left me and Legolas went to the entrance of Rivendell where the rest of the Fellowship was. "The Ringbearer is setting on the quest of Mount Doom and you who travel with him, no oath or bond is laid to go further than you will. Farewell. Hold to your purpose and may the blessing of Elves, and men, and all free folk go with you." Lord Elrond said. "The Fellowship awaits the Ringbearer." Gandalf said. We started on our adventure. We walked for days until we stopped by the Misty Mountains. **[And here we begin the mass amount of time skips, you better pray to whatever god you believe in that this will be over soon.]** Boromir was teaching Pippin and Merry, two of the halflings, how to sword fight. Aragorn sat watching the three while smoking. Gandalf and Gimli **[Oh for fucks sake, you must think that your readers are daft. Everyone reading this has seen the movie goddammit, YOU DON'T NEED WRITE EVERY SECOND OF THE GODDAMN MOVIE! *heavy breathing* Christ on fire this fanfiction is more infuriating than My Immortal. And I never thought I would hear myself say that.]** where arguing about which way we where going to go. Sam, one of the other halflings, the was cooking. Frodo watched the three fighting as well. Legolas was watching the distnce **[sic]** for any of Sauron's spies. I sat by the fire watching it.I **[sic]** wasn't really paying attention to anything other then the fire until I heard Aragorn yell out to hide. I ran to a bush and landed right beside my elvish friend Legolas. **[Since when did you two become friends, and also - she should rename this fiction to **_**Renewed (Lady of Convenient Happenings)**_**.]** I saw a bunch of crows **[Crebain.]** fly by us. As soon as they left us alone we climbed out of spots. "Spies of Sarumon. The passage south is being watched. We must take the Pass of Caradhras. **[She spells Caradhras right but not "distance?" *head desk*]** We started for the snow covered mountain. Once we got to the side of the mountain it was almost time for the sun to go down. The next morning we started to walk up the mountain but not mush **[sic]** happened I mean other then Frodo falling and Boromir being sucked into the trance of the ring. **[You're just being lazy now.]** I found that being an Elf I didn't get as cold and I didn't trudge through the snow like everyone except Legolas. **[I'm very serious about the title change.]** We soon walked into a blizzard. "There is a fell voice in the air!" Legolas said. "It's Sarumon!" Gandalf yelled. "He's trying to bring down the mountain! Gandalf! We must turn back!" Aragorn yelled. "No!" Gandalf yelled and then started yelling over Sarumon's but soon got over powered and the snow fell on top of us. Legolas soon helped me out of the snow. **[You're a big girl elf now, you can take care of yourself.]** "We must get off the mountain! Make for the Gap of Rohan and take the west road to my city!" Boromir yelled. "The gap of Rohan takes us to close to Isengard!" Aragorn yelled back. "If we cannot pass over the mountain, Let us go under! Let us go through the Mines of Moria." Gimli said. Gandalf looked like he really didn't want to go through the Mines. **[Gee, what was your first clue?]** "Let the Ringbearer decide." He finally said. We all looked at Frodo before Boromir yelled. "We cannot stay here! This will be the death of the hobbits!" "Frodo?" Gandalf asked. "We will go through the Mines." Frodo said. "So be it." Gandalf said. We started walking down the mountain and started for Moria. **[Good fucking Christ that was a long fucking block of text.]**

**Author's Rambling:**

I actually stopped reading at the very middle of the chapter because the big giant paragraph was turning my brain into squishy mush. So probably from the tip of the iceberg and onward I didn't read beforehand. And henceforward in the next chapters I will not have read before writing the commentary, so the comments are going to take the phrase _real time_ to a whole new level.

Don't forget to review suggestions and comment your thoughts so far - it keeps me sane.


	9. 6

6

Sara's POV

I looked at the walls of Moria, and I felt hear well up in my chest. **[You're scared of a big stone mountainside?]** Darkness was like Mordor. Darkness made my skin crawl now. **[Darkness makes everyone's skin crawl because everyone is afraid of the dark. The dark holds the unknown and humans are afraid of the unknown. True story.]** I'd been forced to be put up with it all my life. And on top of that, I still had a child to worry about. **[I'm still in disbelief that the Fellowship would let a **_**pregnant woman**_** travel with them. Have they no standards?]** A child that could possibly ruin me. **[Abortion's always an option.]** I'm surprised at my self control. **[What self control?]** The journey had been the same drill everyday. My orc self kept suggesting that I kill the fellowship, and of course, I always...er..._politely_ declined. **[You're such a classy schizoid.]**

And then there was the fact that I'd fallen for Legolas. **[Of course you have, what's next? You give Eowyn a pep talk about her crush on Aragorn?]** I couldn't decline it anymore, but it worried me that some day I'd lose my control and cause something to happen to him. **[...This is either implying hormones taking over or a crime of passion plot...I'm still trying to figure it out.]** I was or am...or...was...I don't know. **[Identity crisis, it happens to everyone. Oh wait, no it doesn't.]** An orc. The thought still sends questions through my mind. What did happen? **[You tell me, I'm still trying to piece this pile of Triceratops shit together.]**

My thoughts are interrupted when Legolas comes up to me and puts his hand on my spreads through me, **[Oh gross.]** but it also fills me with dread. **[Why does this sound like a euphemism?]** This might have been a casual friendly gesture to the others, but to me, it was a reminder that he loved me. **[WHEN IN THE HOLY MOTHERFUCK DID HE SAY HE LOVED YOU!? Okay, enough of this - I'm blasting my Slipknot playlist.]** What will I do. **[You'll die. How about that?]**

"Are you all right?" **[I am now thanks to Slipknot.]** Legolas asked me.

I shook my head.

"Then what's wrong."

I consider him. Then I decide to tell him. "It's still in me." I say. **[Goddammit I hate the pronoun game.]**

"What?" He asks, confusion filling his silvery eyes.

"The orc side of me. If you've heard me talking out loud for no apparent reason, it's the orc side of me trying to convince me to kill you guys, and take the ring." I say. **[That is the literal definition of insanity and schizophrenia.]**

Concern immediately clouds the confusion.

"How long has this been going on?"

I feel the tears well up in my eyes.

"Ever since this strange thing happened to me." I say. I find myself spilling out everything. My miserable life in Mordor, running away to live as an outcast, Boromir finding me. I even explain the pain that I had to endure. It was excruciating, and I was sure no one had felt anything like it. **[You obviously didn't sit in on a 18-19th century amputation or torture.]** I explained about looking down at my hands, the shock I felt. Boromir taking me to Rivendell for answers that no one had. And the last part, the child being the witch king of Angmar's son. **[You already told him that, dumbass. Also, no ultrasound technology existed in Middle Earth, so how the fuck do you know that it's a boy? And don't give me that 'mother's intuition' bullshit.]**

"Listen to me. You are not bad." **[Yes she is.]** Legolas says.

I just nod. I'm glad he thinks so. **[**_***Hard to say what caught my attention. Fixed and crazy, Aphid attraction.***_** Oh whoops, sorry about that.]**

"Thank you." **[You are not welcome. :)]**

We approach the mines and Gimli has this big happy fit. **[Is Gimli two years old now?]** I roll my eyes, and smile. Of course.

Gandalf is able to find a door in the wall. Only problem; he can't figure out the password. So of course we're stuck here. I feel fine, but I have a suspicion that my every move is being watched. **[By the **_**Watcher**_** in the Water! Ah haa, I'll let myself out.]**

Sauron's POV

I wheel my eye around through the land. The best breeding orc; missing.** [Let's tack that up on the Mary Sue scale.]** Her children are very powerful too. **[Another Mary Sue point.]** My gaze stops on where the ring would be. in front of the mines. **[More than half the time that inanimate asshole and his henchmen don't know where his wedding ring is, now suddenly he does?]** I take notice of every detail of the fellowship. The men. One is Boromir of Gondor. He can be dealt with. The other...oh no. Isildur's heir. We'll have to kill him as soon as possible. Otherwise we'll have...a bit of a problem. The elf is fair, but I don't know what to make of him. **[Is Sauron suddenly homosexual?]** And the dwarf...maybe perhaps we can get the elf and the dwarf to kill each other. The four Halflings are fragile and easily dealt with.

My gaze falters for a moment when my eye lands on an elf woman. But I could recognize that face from the drawing the orcs had shown me to help me find the missing female. **[Seriously?]** It just wasn't right. Her face was pale and glowing, all signs of torture gone. The blessing of the Valar. **[Does that even exist? Someone tell me.]** Oh. No. That is the missing orc. Except, she's not an orc anymore.

My troubles disappear as quickly as they come. So this is what the oh so mighty Valar have decided on. **[You sound like Shao Kahn.]** A plan cooks in my head. **[Nothing beats Plan Stew cooked in a CrockPot...wait a second.] **Brilliant.

Sara's POV

_"You must bring the ring to me. Kill the others. Become my queen." _**[Of fucking course. Tack up another ten points for the Mary Sue scale.]** A voice says inside my head. **[Twitchy(1): "She's got more voices in her head than me Mama."]** I glance around. That wasn't the orc side of me. It was something else. **[Your schizophrenia's getting worse.]** Something even darker. More grave. _"Do not try to resist. You are already my pawn."_

_"I'm not planning to resist, lord." _The orc side of me says. No!

_"No."_ I tell the voice and the orc. _"Whoever you are, get the hell out of my head."_

_"You will listen eventually. You are mine." _The voice says.

_"I am nobodies except my own."_ I tell them.

The voice seems to sigh. _"You will listen eventually."_

_"Yes you will."_ The orc side cackles.

_"In your dreams."_

_"But I am your dreams." The orc says._ **[Now that makes no goddamn sense whatsoever. Sounds like Freddy Krueger.]**

_"Shut up."_

I sigh. Finally. I hate it when things try to talk to me in my head. **[Twitchy: "That's not nice to the voices in your head."]**

"It's a riddle." Frodo says. "Speak friend and enter. What's the elvish word for friend?"

"Mellon." Gandalf says. The doors open.

I shudder as I look into the vast gloom. It's dark. **[No shit Sherlock. It's a mine, were you expecting sunlight?]**

Gimli's rattling along about things like hospitality. Why is he so big headed? **[Damn this author's got something against Gimli big time.]**

"This is no mine. It's a tomb." **[While typing that I accidentally wrote 'bomb.' Derp.]** Boromir says.

"Goblins!" Legolas says, pulling an arrow out of a skeleton and recognizing the head.

"We have to get out now." Boromir says. "We should never have come here." **[I'm with Boromir on this one.]**

At that moment, trouble seems to emerge from the murky depths. I would have thought it was inside, but it was outside. **[I'm getting sick and tired of the author patronizing the audience and saying 'no shit Sherlock' every damn line.]** A long tentacle had snatched Frodo and was dragging him into the depths of the water. **[Release the Kraken.]**

"Frodo!" We all call, rushing to help. I give a brief sigh of relief. For a moment, the tension seems to relax. **[What? Did the Watcher just say 'oh shit, they're all yelling his name, better bail.' and skedaddle?] **But that's before about a bazillion more tentacles come out of the water and snatches Frodo out of the water again. **[1) Bazillion is not a real number. 2) It was only about six tentacles. Maximum.]** I take out the small knife I'd taken with me from Rivendell **[And somewhere in Rivendell, an elf is mourning the loss of their stolen knife.]** and begin slashing clumsily at the tentacles. (I'm not very good with weapons yet. AT least not non-orc weapons) **[If you think that'll take away some Mary Sue Points, then you are sorely mistaken.]**

I the face of the monster appear out of the water, opening a wide maw, preparing to eat Frodo for dinner. I'll never make it. Them I remember it. I take my bow out of my satchel, and lace an arrow onto the string. **[I thought you didn't know how to shoot? Much less hold a bow.]**

_"It'll be a miracle if I make this shot"_ I think.

_"I'll teach you."_ Legolas had said. And now I knew what he meant. **[You didn't before? What? What did you think he meant when he said he'll teach you...oh fuck my mind just wandered to far. AUGH.]** Even though he was all the way on the other side, slicing his daggers against numerous tentacles, I felt as if his arm was guiding mine. **[AAAUUUGGGHHH. I HATE THIS.]**

And with that confidence, release the arrow.

**Footnote goodness! :D**

**(1)** Twitchy is an original character of mine that I originally intended to make a CreepyPasta about, but never got around to it. I created her as an alter ego kind of thing; the criminally insane me. She's got razor teeth, cat-like retractable claws, blank solid yellow eyes (think flashlights), a wild, scruffy appearance, and she hears voices in her head and frequently talks to herself. She's the older sister of my other two CreepyPasta characters Stitchmouth and Sketch.

**Author's Rambling:**

Fucking motherfuck even with Slipknot playing I'm still infuriated.

I'm being very serious about the reviews now. Please review - _save my sanity. I BEG OF YOU!_


	10. 7

7 **[I wasn't planning on updating until later, but this chapter is short.]**

The good news? The arrow actually hit the monster in the eye, which was my actual target. **[How dare you steal a canon character's spotlight.]**

The bad news? It only made the monster angrier. Sure, it bought some time, but luck always balances out for both sides. **[Lady Luck has her way of being a flaming bitch. :D]** A monster with a fierce determination to kill you is never a good thing.

_'Fool!'_ My orc side scowls. _'Run!'_

For once, I agree with what the orc in me has to say.

I wish I could say something deeply philosophical about being brave, laughing at the orc inside of me and forcing it out, but the truth is, my only thought was: "Aaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh" **[Nnnderrrrrrr...*dribble*]**

In the mines, were we thought we would be safe, the monster follows us and thoroughly destroys the entrance, leaving us in darkness. My breath hitches as I'm embraced by a cloak of gloom. **[You fail at being poetic.]**

"Legolas" I whisper, so quietly no one heard.

Gandalf lights his staff solemnly, and I'm almost relieved. Almost.

"We have but one choice." He says. "We must face the darkness of Moria."

"So hence began my long and miserable journey, and once again I was under the shadow of the world.

I tried to help the fellowship, but the hobbits found me creepy, **[I don't blame them, I would too.]** Boromir and Aragorn thought I was distrustful, **[Again, can you blame them? I would too.]** and I couldn't explain anything to them because it would echo. **[Use your inside voice then. What a concept.]** Gandalf looked at me like I was an intriguing symbol **[Lolwut?]** that he hadn't seen before, but at least he could bear walking next to me.

Legolas was nearly as terrified as I was, but to prideful to admit it. **[I wouldn't say he was afraid, more uncomfortable since he's more used to woodlands.]** He kept doing little things such as making sure I didn't fall, helping me up the steps, etc. **[Um, that's called being chivalrous and polite, ya dumb bimbo.]** I was grateful, but I felt useless. **[You are.]** I was in the fellowship, a chance to prove myself, as well as the fact that women could go into important mission, and I wasn't able to help anyone. **[You seem to be forgetting that you have a squirming fetus in your gut.]** I was overtaken by grief, **[Hormones, every pregnant woman's worst enemy.]** listening to the taunts of my ocr self, who was still trying to get me to follow Sauron again. I had no idea how I'd survive the darkness, which loomed over me, waiting to capture me. **[Didn't you hear me the first time? I said you suck at being poetic.]** It wasn't until we suddenly stopped that I realized I'd been lost in my own thoughts. **[Are you serious? *face palm*]**

"I have no memory of this place." Gandalf says.

**Author's Rambling:**

Depending on how long the last chapter is, I might post it really soon. If it's a long one though, I'm going to have to stop and take a nap, because not only do my wrists hurt from typing so much, but my shoulders from sitting in the same position for too long, and my neck. Basically, I hurt everywhere, and I'm sleepy.

Review and comment - it makes me feel better about my sanity.


	11. 8

8

_Love._ It was something that I hadn't understood since I met Legolas. Even now, though I burst with it for him, **[Oh for fuck's sake, this is turning into a soap.]** I still don't understand it. It's like your drowning and you have no idea what's going on. **[My romance life experience is zilch so I have no freaking clue what is going on here.]** Except the feeling is much more pleasant.

I watch his face carefully as he talks quietly to Aragorn. I catch my name in their conversation and look away. I feel like I'm intruding. **[You were you filthy eavesdropper.]**

_'Of course you're intruding.'_ The orc in me grins. _'You ARE an orc after all.'_

_'Stop it.'_ I sigh internally.

_'Love doesn't exist.'_

_'It does.'_ I say, grasping onto the feeling, making me feel like I'm going to burst. I turn to the Hobbits, deciding to sit next to them. They were in the dark alongside me. It would help to comfort them. **[Last I checked in the movie, those Hobbits were fine and didn't need any consoling. So now we've entered the phase where the Mary Sue forces herself on everyone.]**

"Hello." I whisper. They jump, **[Here's Johnny!] **and scoot back a little way. I crouch down. "It's okay. I promise not to hurt any of you." **[I know I'm just a schizophrenic Orc-Elf hybrid who is unpredictable in every way, but don't worry, I promise I won't try to smother you in your sleep.]**

Frodo casts me an uncomfortable glance. "I'm going to talk to Gandalf." He says. **[Run Frodo, run away before the Sue can affect you.]**

I turn my eyes downwards. Merry and Pippin, however, come closer to me. **[NO! Don't go toward the light!]**

"Your name is Sarah, right?" **[Fun fact #1: The name Sarah (alternatively Sara) means "princess" or "lady" in Hebrew. Coincidence? I think not.] **They ask uncomfortably.

"Yeah." I say. I think for a bit. "Well, my proper name was supposed to be Sarage, but I shortened it to Sarah because it sounded more...I don't know, less cruel." I grin. "I received about fifty lashings from my trainers when I told them that." **[Really? Seems a bit tame.]**

They glance at each other amusedly. **[Sadists.]**

"Why were you outside of Mordor when Boromir found you?"

"I escaped." I explain. **[They've all been travelling together for about a month now and they don't know anything about her. Damn, and I thought I was a wallflower.]**

"How?"

I chuckle lightly, careful to let my voice not carry on so loudly. "You know, if you want to know my life story, you can just ask."

Pippin crosses his arms. "Alright. Go for it." **[Is she deliberately trying to make every character except Gandalf and Legolas look like douchebags?]**

I smile fondly, glancing around. My smile suddenly fades. But the entire fellowship is looking at me expectantly. I take a deep breath and begin. **[Oh motherfuck, not this shit again.]**

"I was born, like many orcs are, in a breeding facility. It's where..." I shudder. "The male orcs sort of...you know." **[You know, for a rape victim, she's almost **_**too**_** comfortable talking about this.]**

Merry and Pippin suddenly look horrified. **[Thus begins the stage where the characters who were previously written as douchebags take pity upon our Mary Sue because of their ignorance of our Sue's outlandish sob story.]**

"Aanyways, **[sic]** I was taken and raised by a group of trainers. **[Am I the only one thinking that Sarage here is a compulsive liar due to her changing her story every time she tells it?] **They instruct you on how you should always be full of hate, and anger. How to weave rough clothing. Find something you'd be useful for. Told you stories about bloodlust and torture. If any of us thought different, we'd be executed. They killed my best friend." **[Boo fucking hoo, I have no sympathy for your shitty sob story.]**

I put my eyes down, remembering. That felt like so long ago. **[Must have been if you left this detail out every other time you told this story.]**

"During those days, I just went along with it. And when they weren't looking, I began to teach myself to wield a sword, or use skills like weaving to fight. **[PFFT BA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAA! HOLY FUCK I'M DYING! **_**'Weaving for fighting'**_** AH HA HA HA HA HAAA!]** A trainer caught me once, but didn't suspect anything. After all, orcs are bloodthirsty, and they thought I was just another one of those blood craving orcs." I give a bitter chuckle. "When I was fourteen, they relocated me because I was able to...er...I think you get the idea. I was there for twenty three years. **[14+23 = 37. Before she said she was 21, and even before that she said she was 14. I'll let that sink in for a moment.]** Twenty three years, and two hundred fifty three brainwashed children."

The hobbits look at me, shocked. I look around the room, not pausing in my whispered tone.

"I also had twenty three years to find a way to escape. When an orc came in, I stole its sword. **[You stole, you made, you stole. **_**Make up your goddamn mind.**_**] **I don't know how I got from the depths to the gate, **[I'm still baffled.]** but I think everyone was just so shocked that they had no idea what to do about me. **[Oh what bullshit.]** I fled and hid. Because I was wanted by the orcs of Mordor, and I couldn't exactly find refuge with Elves, Men, Dwarves, or hobbits. Who wants to take in an orc?

When Boromir found me, I was so scared. I had no idea what to do. I was ready to just give up, but then, this happened." **[And what is 'this' which you speak of?]**

I gesture to myself. "There are no words to describe the pain that made me this, **[Oh I can think of a few concepts in history.]** but I am so glad that I at least have a chance at getting along with you all. To be rebellious against Mordor. To fight back. **[Tack up another ten points for a pseudo-inspirational speech.]** I wish that we didn't have to fight. **[Another five points for pacifism.]** but sometimes that's what you have to do. I'm ready to start. I'm not going to hold back."

I finish my story, glancing around the cavern to find everyone watching me intently. Gandalf is looking at me, a smile on his face.

"It's that way." The old man says.

"He's remembered!" Merry says suddenly. **[It really wasn't that sudden, it was pretty warranted if you ask me.]**

"No, but the air doesn't smell so foul down here. When in doubt, Meriodoc, always follow your nose.

I snort in amusement. Legolas comes up behind me and gives me a hug before we follow. **[Ugh.]**

"Well, there's the first step in getting themto trust you." He says. **[I still wouldn't trust her.]**

I smile. "Well, that's what I want. It would be terrible if I looked like thisfor - Arggh!"

His gentle face drops as his eyes widen. I glance at my skin as it flickers from pale to rough, than to pale again. The fellowship watches me. **[About goddamn time she gets a reality check.]**

_'See how they like you now.'_ My orc side sneers.

"Onwards!" Gandalf calls ahead. "Don't worry about Sarah. She's fighting an inner battle." **[Way to blow things off Gandalf...thank you so much for keeping your wits about you.]**

An inner battle. I'd have to talk to Gandalf now. It seems that he knows more about what's happening to me than meets the eye. **[He's a wizard, who's walked so many lives that I forgot the number. I'd expect that.]**

A/N

Hi guys! I hope you enjoy this update! **[No, I don't. I'm still in shock that this has 24 Hearts on QuoteV.]** Please vote for a story topic. What story do you want me to do? **[The last sentence is a link. The poll was taken down.]**

**Author's Rambling:**

I had second thoughts about posting this on QuoteV because the users are still on there, but now I just might post this there, and even send them a link. If they take down my story - so fucking what? They can't touch me; I'll just post it again and again and again. I'm a troll - you cannot erase me. You guys know I gave them credit for the original story in the introduction. And in many ways this can be seen as a critique. A harsh one at that, but still a critique. Their story is not good at all, and needs major, _major, __**major**_ improvement. Although their character is such a Sue it might be futile, but I believe in second chances. However; if you waste that second chance, you're going to get another harsh critique in the form of a snarky commentary. And I will not stop.

Like I said, I'm pretty much a troll at heart. Pissing people off and making people laugh is my job; and I take my job _very_ seriously.

Anyhow, this was the last chapter that they posted since five months ago, so I have no idea if they're going to continue this. If they do, I'll be sure to continue my commentary and post new chapters as fast as I can.

In the meantime, I'm going to need another fanfiction to spoof. Be sure to review, or even private message me any bad fanfictions you want me to commentate. Thank you guys very much for joining me on this journey so far, and I'll see you guys in the next fanfiction!

**Notice: **I am thinking about making my own parody crossover series where I take the most often used clichés in the fandoms that I'm a part of (Ranging from Harry Potter to Assassin's Creed) and spoofing them. I'll assume the role of a self inserted Sue Slayer. If it's got a Sue, then you can be damn sure I'll spoof it.


	12. Termination

Hey guys, regarding the fanfiction Renewed - the commentary has been terminated.

As I said in the last chapter, I published a comment on the story critiquing the monstrosity. And, to my surprise, the original author responded. This was our conversation.

**This was the critique that I left:**

"I realize I'm late to the party, but I just wanted to throw some things out there.

This story is downright terrible. This may seem harsh, but note that I am not here to cheerlead you on like everyone else. I am here to tell you my honest opinion.

You are incredibly inconsistent in your writing. I know this is a co-op but that doesn't mean all communication is to be abandoned, you NEED to communicate with each other and thoroughly analyze, edit, and proofread your writing before posting. Get a third party to edit and proofread for you if you need to. That step is absolutely crucial when your writing. If you don't have consistency in your story, then you don't have a story, all you have is a jumbled mess that next to none can follow. First you say that she didn't know that she was pregnant while in Mordor, and that she wasn't pregnant when the Orc entered, then a couple chapters later you say she did know. Not to mention that none of Sarage's stories add up; she says she stole the orc's sword, then escaped with a sword she had made, then back to stealing a sword. There are SO many inconsistencies that I simply do not have enough time to point them all out.

Secondly, and I'm not sorry for saying this, but Sarage is a Mary Sue. People sympathize with her immediately, you even have her a sob story to match. Everyone is condescending of her up until the point she tells her life story, to which they then feel sorry for her inevitably. You give her talents in a split second - absolutely NO ONE hits a mark such as the Watcher's eye with their first shot. She's also pregnant. Now this is where you have to think logically about the time period and circumstances you're writing in. She's a woman in Middle Earth - a medieval fantasy land. No one in their right mind, inside information of a treacherous land or not, would let a woman - much less a pregnant woman - go on such a dangerous quest with nine males. I would've excused this if Sarage was an experienced fighter (and not pregnant) - but she isn't. And I almost hate to tell you this, but a female orc based story has been done so many times before, that it is now considered cliché, otherworldly transformations have been overused past the point of no return as well.

You also put in unrealistic situations. She was pregnant with the Witch King's child? Okay, what? Impossible. The Nazgul are the undead - which means they are impotent. It would be impossible for them to have children of any kind, especially with an orc. And a Valar Blessing? I looked it up, and it doesn't exist. I believe in creative license, but that is taking it too far. Never had Tolkien intended for something like this, so don't create something on a whim; you have to stick with the original lore, otherwise it's libro-blasphemy. That is what fan fiction is.

And another thing I thought you should know; I have made a name for myself for commentating on bad fan fiction. And that is exactly why I'm here. I thought it was only right to give you a formal critique before I post my spoofed version of your fan fiction on QuoteV, it is already on FanfictionNet. I was suggested to commentate this by a fellow user, whom I will not name here.

Keep in mind, I did not steal your story. I gave you credit; I listed your names, your exact story title, and where I found this.

I hope you are doing well, and I sincerely hope you improve in your writing. I believe in second chances, I give people a chance to improve unless they have fallen off the face of the Earth. However; if you are a repeat offender, I will show no mercy in my commentaries or my critiques. Truth has a way of making enemies with everyone."

**Here is the author's reply:**

"Alex,

Thank you for your critique, it means a lot to me. I started this story quite a few months ago, and even I can admit that I didn't know what I was doing. But people seemed to like it, so I kept going. I see what you mean by Sarage being a Mary-Sue. I probably should have developed her before I posted this, even checked online for other female orc stories (I didn't even know they existed until you pointed it out.)

By reading this, I have found that I am NOT a regular fanfic writer. I need to stick to crossovers. In my defense, I haven't heard from my co-author in nearly a year.  
>I thank you for being honest with me. I believe that truthful comments make a person a better writer. I love making over-powered characters, and giving them flaws, but it's hard to not go overboard and I didn't spend a lot of time on this.<p>

You can make fun of this story, etc, etc, but I should probably warn you; while I find this quite helpful, there may be some people out there that find things like this hurtful. Words are incredibly powerful, and some people just can't take critique.

I also want you to know that while this story is bad, I'm not a bad writer. I do not spend a lot of time on this story, mostly because I've lost interest. I recently won a contest on Wattpad for fanficfriday, writing a 200 word drabble for Rise of the Guardians, which I believe is much better than this.

I'll probably not even edit this, and just take it down. (Which will be a relief because I have a whole lot of other stories to work on.)

I am incredibly sorry for hurting your eyes with this.

-SilverElemental."

**This was my reply:**

"I sincerely thank you for being very mature about this matter, and you have truly gained my respect by admitted that you have learned from your mistakes. Like I said, I believe in second chances; if a writer can look back on their previous works and adapt, grow and improve - I call that a win. I even do the same with my own schoolwork writings and my photography.

I am also very pleased to hear that you have grown so much that you have even won a contest. And, even though it's probably so ridiculously late, congratulations.

I hope you continue to grow as a writer, and again; thank you for responding in a mature way. Last time I criticized something was several years ago and I actually got a very immature hate message (granted, it was the Twilight series, but I digress).

Hope you are doing well,  
>AlexAmericus"<p>

As things are now, this commentary has been listed as complete. The author has abandoned this fanfiction.

Rest assured, there will be more commentaries, I am actually working on two as we speak.

Hang in there Minions,

-AlexAmericus


End file.
